I went to visit one of my best friends in jail one time – well, many times – and we had many talks about life and freedom and choices and this one time, she said to me in a casual but deeply profound way – “You can have a salad. The best salad. Any salad you want. Have a salad for me.”
For some reason that feeling I felt when she said that was triggered recently upon having spent DAYS on end in bed sick. SICKKKK = THE WORST. I have no idea what the heck hit me, although weird stuff has been going around like we are in the middle of winter or something?? Except I do have an idea.
Everyone else’s idea is always an immediate assumption – based upon outside perspective – I MUST not be getting rest. I’m instantly assumed to be “not taking care of myself”, and I just let it be because I literally don’t have the energy for that conversation. Yes, I must need rest if I’m sick, but that does not equal I have not been getting enough rest or not taking care of myself.
What I do know is that (1) recently weird stuff is going around, like bronchitis even? and (2) I was among over 8,000 people in a Tony Robbins seminar screaming and making unheard of noises throughout some deep dive conditioning exercises – what my Dr. thinks sums it up, and (3) – most importantly – the enemy ain’t comin’ for my mind much these days.
You see, I realized there’s this pattern I have started noticing – just about every dang time I find myself EXTRAORDINARILY motivated, inspired, connected to God, hearing, on the brink of life change, life mastery, life breakthrough kind of stuff – suddenly I’m laid OUT. It looks like one thing to the world, but my heart knows, my spirit deep within knows the sharp talons of attack and the enemy loves to come at me with exactly what drives me nuts – wasted time, set backs, and delays that make absolutely no sense. And my weakness… my body. Ouch, but true. But, mostly – wasted time is my trigger point. Efficiency is so sexy, right? Just let’s make the moments count and the minutes matter, right? But to exist with and give nothing, no energy (the exact thing I was about to hunt and pray for), no clarity in my thoughts, not a speck of efficiency or any productivity AT ALL for days is like a living hell for me. My psyche cannot. How do I spend any 1 precious day so completely knocked out that I cannot hardly remember a conversation, much less add any contribution to this world, my family, the people and passions I live for? Zilch. Days of inefficiency. Oy vey. I actually had the thought around day 3, “will I ever hear my own voice again? Will I ever feel normal again??” Dramatic, maybe. But this is the REAL on the loathing I have for illness. Something about losing months from cancer and being on my actual death bed at 21, I just can’t stand it.
SO! As I’m coming back to health last night, I can’t sleep. I’m so excited. Excited to run,I can feel my ME coming back! Excited to eat a salad and swim and hang clothes up in my closet, pumped for date night, for family games and basically ANYTHING that doesn’t happen in this sick bed. But, I can’t shake the irritation of it all and as I cry out to God, WHY???!!!! That was dumb, God, why? I realize, I know damn well why. Discouragement, disappointment, distraction, and deception… (it’s all there in episode 14) ANYTHING TO DELAY my power. That’s the sure battle every time I’m about to go all in. It’s the same for you, sis. The devil won’t try to stop you, typically – he’ll just say things like “what about this other thing over here” or “you?” or “are you really ready?” or “yes, sure, just…later…”
100% anytime you are ready to MAKE YOUR MOVE, right on your heels will be one of these 4 motivation mines from the enemy <— YES he’s real. It comes at us in many ways, whatever your weakness may be. But, the thing is, I’ve learned something special about this fight. Last night God spoke to me so clearly, “notice, baby girl, he ain’t coming for your mind, nor your spirit.” Well, UHHH NO. I’ve done the WORRRRRRK. I’m not perfect, I have my days. But, dangit – this old mind is strong. SOAKED in the word and empowered with truth, mantras, chants, promises, WORDS OF LIFE and all the power I’ve trained myself to pursue fiercely and consistently!
Interesting, though. It occurred to me that my mind is ready for battle. Just about all day any day. What if my body was that strong?
No, not for calorie deficit or weight loss or Summer body goals – BUT FOR SPIRITUAL WAR. What if I trained my body the way I do my mind. I have lost dayyyyyys, y’all from the enemy coming for me the only way he usually can. I’m not trying to waste one precious hour of this tiny life! In the last week do you know how many hours I’ve lost, how many special event and moments I missed, how much time with my kids, my husband, writing, reading, equipping and celebrating life was stolen from me? Gone. Never to be retrieved. Holy fire in my soul. Is there anything worse??
The truth is, I a little bit hate to even write this because I know when I write it’s a process of accountability for me – and given my many failed attempts at hundreds of goals with this body over 43 years, the disappointment often outweighs the glimmer of hope that somehow survives. But, this is different. My mind is swirling with thoughts on things like IMMUNITY and EXTRAORDINARY ENERGY… two things that I haven’t ever really thought about with such fervency. Two things I’m going after for the rest of my days. Specifically.
Recently, a friend asked what I was in training for. I answered, ME. I’m training to be the most bad ass me I can be. The 7 in me would love to do all the things, overnight, get it done, NOW. But, the wisdom and healthy gal in me is ready for the sweet journey, one step at a time. I won’t be perfect. But, today, I had another crazy powerful immunity boosting shake and I’m currently drinking a cup of super antioxidant green tea. I bought green tea one time. I threw that box out about 3 years after it sat in my pantry. Not today. New tea, I’m finishing this box this week. Baby steps. Also, how cool will it be, the next time we throw down for that attack to take me out of one less day, or maybe not even a full 24 hours.
The Spirit – that’s one strong beast, sis. CALL ON IT. I recall that being the very power that got me through a couple half marathons that I for sure did not have the ability in myself to do as well as I did.
When it comes to our physical abilities, it’s not just mind over matter. It’s Spirit over mind over matter. Yet, we rarely think to tap into that.
Basically, here is just another blog about health and how what goes in our bodies is either fighting disease or feeding it. But, if I write it out, it’ll stick a little longer and make it more real, for me. Plus, my bestie and I made a deal that we cannot have our monthly check in call until we’ve both written at least one thing, so here’s mine! CHECK.
Also, in this glorious day back to health, I just needed to process it this time. Pay attention. Get curious. Because that sucked. Like crying, skin crawling, excruciating BS to be sick and not able to tuck your babies in or flirt with your hot husband, or teach a dance class or write. a. single. word. on. anything. (sorry for all the texts that didn’t happen – if it wasn’t emergent, I just literally could not. Also, if it’s after “business hours” in general and/or I’m with my family, sick or not – in general, if it’s not emergent, I don’t. Leave me be.)
Also, because I need to take a moment and honor the thoughts I had laying there… a scream from the depths of my fierce irritation to just remind you and me that TODAY, IF YOU ARE PHYSICALLY ABLE TO DANCE, BY GOD FREAKING DANCE. If you can laugh, burst free loudly! If you have the ability to run, to play hide & seek with your babies even if it means broken cabinet door knobs, start counting to ten right now and honor this glorious life by living it to the absolute fullest of your ability – and then get freaking STRONGER, get in even better shape, fuel and train for the best energy of your life so you can do it all the *more*! Yes, full 7 throttle, no holds barred, I said the word I usually try to restrain & contain, but not today – insert megaphone: mooooorrrrreeeeeee. Because you are able, because you’re not confined to a bed or wheelchair or cage or anything else that has stripped you of your health or keep your limbs from doing what they’re MADE to do – MOVE. GOOOOOOO. Live in all your glorious mental, physical capabilities. ALL. THE. M. O. R. E.
Yes, absolutely, rest. For the LOVE, REST. Take the very best care of you so you can MOVE.
And then stop the shaming madness and celebrate that beautiful body God gave you!
You can start ever so simply, with a cup of green tea. Or a delicious salad. Because some people can’t. But, mostly, do it because you can.
He gives strength to the weary, and INCREASES THE POWER of the weak. ~Isaiah 40:29
This was just one precious view from my little bedcation. How sweet are my little spies???