X Ray | 20/20

from November 2017


This morning I saw an x-ray that rocked my world. I wasn’t sure why tears just started pouring but I couldn’t stop. Hadn’t seen an x-ray in about 20 years, and that one was completely covered in tumors. This one was different. It was so clean, except that there were a ton of little lines all over it. “There’s all of your staples from your hysterectomy.”
Wait… what? Staples? So many staples. So long ago.

Wave… here comes a wave.

The doctor casually went on, not expecting my eyes to well up in tears over staples on an x-ray picture. But they aren’t just staples… they are a reminder of my healing, of a battle WON, a billion, trillion prayers answered, and the miracle that God did in me that still brings me to tears, still stops my heart and takes my breath away, still affects my whole life to this day. It never gets old – to live day after day, years after a death sentence. No day is bad. They are all good.

Later at home, I’m clearing things off of my desk to do some writing and come across a few pages from my blog. I don’t even remember printing them, but I knew immediately God had put them there.

As I’m reading, my heart stops.
Those words, my own words from my darkest days, stopped me in my tracks

“I thought about all my goals and dreams and hopes that were dying. I thought about my beautiful family and the daughter I’d never held.”

I had no idea then.

20 years later… to look at those staples… to see tangible evidence of a legit physical miracle and that crazy season of constant spiritual warfare, and then to read those words, just wrecks me.
I was desperate, I was supposed to be dead and gone long ago, and yet here I am with THE most beautiful family, on the other side of dozens of wild dreams, dreams and goals that sick girl never would have even imagined. And I’ve held that daughter I prayed YEARS for, but so much more, over a 1/2 dozen other miracles that call me mom. I may cry all day, the wave is here and there’s no stopping healing, revealing waves roll and billow and rise up high to come at you in different seasons. And I’ll take the blow that washes over me and see where this one takes me. We may get better and wiser with each wave, but they inevitably move us, still. I am as full of amazement and the deepest, fiercest thanksgiving today as I was at 22.

God takes good care of His girls.

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