Foster Care · Jacey · Mom it out

A lot of letting go…

JrHigh

First day of junior high together for The Littles… and I am struggglllleING today.

Last night we had a great family time before bed.  We sat the girls down and talked about the new adventures of school they are heading into, the logistics of mornings and evenings, homework and chores, activities and priorities; and we asked them about their goals and expectations for the school year.  And all of those things are important, but I shared with the girls that most importantly, we want them to know how amazing they are JUST AS THEY ARE – not to let peer pressures or grades or anything in this new season of life tell them any different.  We are going to have expectations of their grades and behavior and other stuff as parents we are responsible for guiding them in, BUT no matter what, we love them exactly as they are –  and while we are excited to see them grow and change and step out in courage to try new things – nothing could make us love them more or less, we love them just as they are.

And we prayed and hugged and tucked them in… And I was so excited for the girls that I really didn’t even think I would cry this morning. Wrong.  So wrong.   So many tears.

I keep thinking it’s going to get easier, but I should know better by know.  This growing up thing, they’re gonna’ do it.  And there’s nothing I can do about it. And it does not slow down.  It seems to actually speed up? Whatever, it sucks.

This momma’s heart has taken some blows this year.  Change, change, change… Lots of letting go, and today was like ripping the last bit of the band-aid off.

Having lots of children means a lot of wonderful moments and thrills just swarming around constantly… but it also means things are constantly changing…

The Littles starting junior high… all adorable in their uniforms and wide smiles… they looked like giants compared to just a year ago!! Ugh. The Littles… are giants.  </3

Jocelyn is a JUNIOR in high school, Vice President of her class, working two jobs and trying desperately to earn money for her first car.  I just remember the first day of school I took her to… she cried walking in.  And I cried driving away.  And next year she’ll be a Senior?  And then GRADUATE??  I just can’t… 😦

Amazing Isaiah started going to Mother’s Day Out, no more stay-at-home mommy every day.  Already?  *sniffffffffff

Prince Baby D is mobile and has two teeth. TWO TEETH. Waaaaahhhh!!!!

Our oldest son, Skylar, stayed with us for a while but moved out on his own, got steady job and has this crazy renewed love for God.  I miss making him lunches and his obnoxious pestering and all the wrestling, and getting his welcome home bear hugs… I just miss him here. 😦

And Callie… this child went and got ENGAGED.  As in she is now on her way to being Mrs. Pendegrass.  A WIFE.  She’s getting MARRIED.  When we met, it was at the mall and we were picking out earrings for her prom.  Now, I have a daughter that’s getting married.

 

How did I get here?  What is this life????

CAN SOMEBODY JUST STOP THE $%&*?! CLOCK SO I CAN JUST CATCH MY BREATH FOR A SECOND!?!???

I mean, I love change, but geeez…

Jacey and I got into a little heated discussion yesterday, because… well, because she’s me, and sometimes that’s sweet and sometimes it’s not.  But somewhere in the discussion, our frustration with each other took a turn and we both just busted out laughing hysterically!  It was wonderful and beautiful and a lot like air being released out of a tight balloon and the weightless balloon just flying all over the place freely.  We both wanted our way.  And that got in the way of US.  That happens a lot lately.  I’ve had to tell her more than once this week, “Jace just LET IT GO.  Don’t make things more difficult than they need to be, nothing has to be perfect, you’ve got to learn to let things GO.”

And of course, immediately, every time I tell her this, God whispers in my ear… “Baby girl, YOU have to learn this first.  Everything doesn’t have to be perfect.  Don’t make things more difficult than they have to be.  I know you want it your way, but you’ve got to learn to let things go.

If you really want her to learn this, you first. ”

There is nothing more amazing than seeing the best of yourself in your child. 

And there is nothing more heartbreaking than seeing the worst of yourself in her.  

 

The older she gets, the more I see myself in her.   It’s terrifying.  As my children grow, I struggle more and more with my weaknesses and insufficiencies as a mother.  I try so hard to cover all the bases, but, mostly I just uncover more holes and mistakes.  My first thought is usually, “I have so much work to do… I have so much growing to do… I have so much to learn… ”

And that’s the thought process my kids see in me… and while those statements may be true about me, they do not define who I am.  And I don’t want those thoughts to define who my children believe they are.  God called me to be a mother, KNOWING full well I would jack it up a gazillion times.  I don’t get it.  But, here I am and I’m just grateful.  Not perfect, not the best, not sufficient, and nowhere near the mom I wish I could be. But, somehow, I’m still a mom, and I’m just grateful God let me in on that gig, because there is nothing on this earth that I could ever do or be that is more important than that.  And yes I have a lot of learning and growing to do, but that’s never really going to change.  I’ll always have things to learn.

But that does not mean I’m incomplete.

That does not mean I’m not enough.

the truth is, I AM ENOUGH.

There is nothing I have to do or be or accomplish to be more acceptable or loved today.

God has sent sermons, books, scriptures, lyrics and everything under the sun over the past year to teach me this truth.

Be present, be you.  Just be present. Just be you.

Though I often see myself as incomplete and lacking, the truth is I AM COMPLETE IN HIM.  I am created by Him, He has chosen me to be his child, chosen me to be their mother, and He loves me just as I am.  That makes me complete.  That makes me enough.

And my children…  they are not incomplete.  They, too, are enough.  Each of them, wherever they are in life, whatever they are doing or becoming, they are enough.
I could help make sure they know that.  But first, I have to believe it for myself.

Still working on that.  But, no pressure.. right?  Because I’m already enough.  Even if don’t feel it sometimes, that doesn’t make it less true.

No matter how you feel… remember what’s real.

A few times in our 12 years of life together, Jacey and I have had those outbursts of laughter break out in the midst of an intense moment or heated discussion… but I’ll never forget that last one.

Jacey taught me something that day.

I looked over at her and still laughing, I said, “Child, you and I are going to have trouble!”  And she, also still laughing, replied, “Not if we keep doing this! Not if we laugh!”

 

Right??

Gah, that child… I can only hope to teach her half as much as she teaches me in this life.

 

And as we laughed, I could just hear God saying,

yes, mom… she’s right.  Keep laughing.  Never stop, baby girl.

Let it go.

Let it be.

Don’t complicate things, this is all there is to life, nothing more is needed.

You are enough.

All that you have is enough.

Where you are is enough.

This moment is enough.

Just be you.  Just be here.

It’s enough.

 

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3 thoughts on “A lot of letting go…

  1. Crying.

    They’re so big.

    And beautiful.

    They used to be small and beautiful.

    So wittle.

    WAHHHHHHHHH.

    #growingpains

      1. Lolololol isn’t that what I have you for? To keep getting all the babies?? 🙂

        Love you so big. ❤ ❤

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