The other day I was posting one of Jacey’s ridiculous quotes and I ended up scrolling down her page on Circle of Mom’s just reading things she had said, some funny, some heart melting, and some just outrageous. It hit me as I read further and further that I hadn’t been posting her quotes as often as I once did. I wrestled with the realization of why. Things had changed. Some days I might have just been too busy or forgot, but the hard truth was that there were other days I was missing out on some of her little precious words.
Our household doubled in October of last year. We, Jacey and I together, decided to become a foster family for a child in need. Enter Miss J. A week after that, I got a call from one of my dancers needing a place to stay. Enter Keliann. And such is the beginning of my crew. It’s a hodge podge group of girls, each of us in different seasons of life, but learning, growing, and playing together. It’s beautiful. I love it so much I can hardly stand it.
But before my crew, it was just the two of us. After the divorce, God did something beautiful with the mess of it (how He rolls). He gave Jacey and I a very unique and rare season alone together… and for that time we were soaked, immersed, and completely consumed by each other anytime we were together. And when we were together, we could usually be found intertwined physically, holding hands, her on my lap, hanging around my neck or leg or waist, cheek to cheek or otherwise wrapped up in each other. Always within kissing and smelling distance of each other. Bliss. Mother daughter bliss.
I remembered these moments, this sweet season alone with her… and I thought of how since things have changed we’ve had to hold back some of,–ok a lot of our open affection for one another when Miss J is near so as not to hurt her feelings. I thought of all of the time and space we enjoyed together that we now share with others. Of course Jacey still says hilarious things, that doesn’t change. But I don’t hear them all. I imagine Miss J probably hears more than I do these days, and even Keliann gets the benefit of those little words sometimes when I miss out.
I’m missing out.
It pains me something awful to even say it, but I know, I’m definitely missing out, not just on some cute quotes, but hugs… kisses…
As a mom, you can imagine how heartbreaking that is. Oh it kills me something deep. Jacey is my world. I could just inhale her every second of every day 24/7 and I would be happy for the rest of my life.
But God has other things in mind. He graciously gave us that season alone together, and man… I miss it. My heart broke that night as I cried over missing quotes, missing my Jacey… all to my self.
The next morning we were all getting ready for the day and Miss J came into my room. She was quiet.
“What’s wrong sweety? Everything ok?”
After a few more moments of quiet, she finally spoke up…
“I have a horrible life.”
Ugh. Can you even imagine what it feels like to hear a precious child utter those words??? Deafening. Heart. Breaking.
As we sat on the bed, I fully expected to hear her say that she missed her mom or that she wanted to go home or something to do with her “situation”. We’ve had those discussions before, it’s not good times.
But surprisingly that wasn’t it at all.
“Some of the kids make fun of me. _____ and _____ make fun of my hair and sometimes they just laugh at me.”
I tried to be calm as my blood level raised with anger toward these little …. Nevermind. Why must kids be so mean in school??? Ugh!!!
Anyway, I reminded her that these were of course the same kids she had a great time at recess with just a couple of days prior, and that kids just make fun of things they don’t understand.
“Do YOU like your hair?”
“Have you ever gone to school when your hair didn’t look nice or you weren’t wearing what you wanted to wear?”
“Do they have any real reason to make fun of you or do you think they’re just being mean?”
“You are BEAUTIFUL… absolutely gorgeous! Kids say mean things because something’s wrong with THEM, not you. YOU are PERFECT.”
By this time, we’re running late. We keep a tight schedule in the morning.
*Note to self: Perhaps with 4 girls in the house I should pencil in time for breakdowns.
But we didn’t care. I just held her and told her more and more and more words of how wonderful I thought she was, praying all of the words would soak in deep to her heart and soul so she would never ever forget how special she is. Or at least remember them for that day. After a few tears, hugs and smiles the horrible life went away and we were off to school.
But something occurred to me later. That was such a special moment we shared that morning. I’m so grateful God allowed me to be there, to bear witness to her little hurt heart and to hold her for that time, and to witness the smile on her face as she jumped out of the car that morning and headed off to rock her day. I love our talks, I love to be there for her, and that morning was special.
But her mom missed out.
I bet Miss J’s mom would have liked to have been there. I bet it would crush her to know that her own daughter said, “I have a horrible life”, and that she herself wasn’t there to wipe those tears. I can’t even imagine. I cannot even fathom what that must be like.
As any mom would, I’ll fight to be plugged in, connected intimately as much as possible – I don’t want to miss a thing. But the truth is I still will.
Oh the pain of my little girl growing up. Is there anything more bittersweet? And as Jacey gets older, I’ll miss out on more… as God floods our lives with more people, opportunities, and fills her schedule with friends and activities, and all of the Big Huge plans and purposes He has for us, together and individually. I can’t wait to see it all, to see what God has in store. But dang why do they have to grow out of our arms…
I hate missing out. Hate. HATE. HAAAATE!!!!!!!!!!!!
But, on the other hand…
I can’t help but wonder who would have been there to even hear Miss J utter those words that morning if she were still in the shelter.
I’m so glad I didn’t miss out on that.