Do you know that in the 6th grade you spoke hope into my life? I can remember your favor, your smile, your eyes that saw right through me. I can remember crying in the bathroom because Steve Gaddis had broken up with me… again!!! And you told me there would be others, so many others, and that someday the right one would come. I of course was APALLED that you would say such a thing. Steve was the love of my 6th grade life for goodness sake! Delayed gratification?? Pssshh… I couldn’t even see past those walls of John Quincy Adams to consider that there might be more in store for me. I remember that like it was yesterday. Even though it was ridiculous that in the 6th grade I was already signing my schoolwork papers with my future name “Stacey Gaddis”, and bawling in the girl’s bathroom over an elementary school heartbreak… you still tended to me as if you understood, as if you really cared about my little heart. As stupid as it must have been, you stopped what you were doing, met me in the bathroom, wiped my tears and showed me you cared. That is just one of many many MANY moments you gave me, MomB. You took time for me. With all of the daddy issues I already had, and more just around the corner that I couldn’t have known or fathomed at the time – at 11 years of age I was already a mess. My teens were doomed. My lacking sense of self worth and jacked up perspective of what love looked like didn’t steer me to the best relationships after I graduated from your class. I wasn’t wise. I wasn’t patient. I wasn’t good at being alone because I equated alone with lonely.
Man I have learned so much since then.
For one, I have learned that solitude is splendid.
I have also learned a lot in recent years about mentoring and discipleship and counseling and loving others… I still have much to learn, but as I look back I can easily say that you were the first glimpse of a significant role model, mentor, leader, and encourager that God used to show me His love and to inspire me to greater things. You loved on me when I felt unloved, you told me I was worth more when I attempted to settle, and you believed in me… You helped me to believe in myself. When my world and family came crashing down, you held me. Although I knew how special you were to me back then, now as an adult looking back I have realized that YOU are a very significant reason I survived those years and many more since then to become who I am today. You did more than you will ever know when you loved on that little girl years ago, you showed me hope- you fed me worth, and the seeds you planted God continued to tend to and grow in me. What you were to me, I want to be to my own daughters. But what’s so special to me is that I wasn’t family. I wasn’t your daughter. And yet you were sensitive to my needs. And by your example, I will spend my life being hope to other little girls every chance I get.
I know that I am worthy of courting. There were years I didn’t believe that. There was a time I don’t even think I was capable of holding out for that. Despite red flags flying in my face, I settled for good enough, time after time after disappointing time. But I’ve finally let go of myself and given in to what God wants, I truly trust Him to bring me His best. I’m not what I once was. I have found that God is more than enough and that alone is never alone. I love the quiet of solitude… I am already complete.
And I know that I am worthy of being courted… because you told me so through your actions & love some 20+ years ago. It’s taken me a while to get it, but I do get it now.
Thank you for believing in me.
I just wanted you to know
that now I do too.